Reaching Unity Cards have an awesome new feature!

 

I am so excited to share with you the latest development in Reaching Unity Cards.

You will soon be able to buy the card set and game and once you do you will be able to play around with this fabulous new feature.

Each card comes with a short description, written on the card, you can then scan the card with your phone which will link you to a longer description with a section for you to record your thoughts and notes, for your own personal use.

This is super handy if you take your cards out and about with you, no cumbersome books to carry with detailed info at your fingertips.

The picture shows what you would see once you scanned the card with your phone.

I am just so excited about this and know you are going to love it.

Reaching Unity Game and Card set will be available to buy in January 2019  and Pre-order sales will be available soon.

Have a fabulous day 

Michele 🙂

Why I used to date emotionally unavailable men.

 

Romantic relationships have never been my main focus, I dated when I was younger out of a need to show the world that I was normal, desirable and not some freaky weirdo that was unloveable.

The men I dated, on the whole, were fairly emotionally unavailable, which caused a lot of drama angst and confusion until I realised why.

Firstly although I felt that I wore my heart on my sleeve and was emotionally evolved and connected,  in reality, my boyfriends were a reflection of my own emotional unavailability. What I thought the world saw was in fact just my inner world seen and felt only by me.

These men were also opportunities for me to work through my issues with my father a very emotionally unavailable man. As I child I didn’t understand this and interpreted it as a rejection of me which affected my sense of my own worth and self-esteem. I chose these men to make this right, if I could make them show their love for me then I would be worthy, it would make my issues with my father go away.

I felt safe playing the role of victim, the tragic heroine who was treated badly by those she loved the most. I blame Jilly `Cooper for this haha, I read too many of her books as a young teen and it featured a lot of unrequited love and tragic love stories, full of drama and angst. 

I had commitment issues and by being in relationships with people who had their own commitment issues meant I could blame them and not have to face my own problems or even be aware of them.

I love being alone but society taught me that meant being lonely, boring, a social outcast or there was something wrong with you, I was led to believe that a happy ending meant marriage and family but deep down I didn’t believe that so created relationships that wouldn’t end that way, although consciously I thought it was what I wanted. I have been proposed to 3 times which I declined and promptly left the relationship even though throughout the relationship I thought it was what I wanted. There is nothing like getting what you want to realise that you never really wanted it.

All of these reasons were unconscious to me until they weren’t, but the realisation, the expansion of my own self-awareness changed everything in an instant and that is the beauty of reflection everything can change in the blink of an eye and the things that confused us the most and held us in these cycles of despair becomes clear and we have our answers. I spent years asking why and now I knew.

I spent years pointing the finger of blame in relationships only to find out it was all about me. Now from this point of understanding, I have love gratitude and forgiveness for these men, forgiveness not for them but for me because I never truly saw them for who they really were just my projection of what I needed to see.

As for me, I have been happily single for 11 years, I am not closed to the possibility of a relationship but now I no longer need anything from a relationship I am happy to wait for what I want.

Narcissists are people too!

Narcissists are people too!

Narcissists get a really bad press, our SM feeds are full of articles about the horrors of having a narcissist in your life, they are not wrong it is incredibly hard being in a relationship with a narcissist especially if you are related to them but it does seem to dehumanise them or make us forget that they are people too. We are berating them for being who they are, is this fair?

Narcissists brains work differently to the average person, they are literally hardwired to only think of themselves, to not recognise anger fear or distress in another or to be able to empathise in any way. This is automatic, this is not a choice they make, they are not choosing to hurt you, they aren’t even thinking about you, they are only focused on getting their needs met.

They are never going to focus on your needs, it doesn’t even come into the equation for them, the key is not taking it personally because it isn’t and also not expecting them to change because they can’t. Processes our brain goes through when we interact with another are just not available to them. It is like asking a colour blind person to see and understand the world from your full-colour perspective.

It is hard for us to understand their viewpoint and experience of the world just as it is hard for them to understand us but these are very different views and we just becoming more aware of this would benefit everyone.

We need to find more compassion for narcissists, imagine living a life without empathy and the richness of connections that brings.

Narcissists don’t understand why people react so badly to them, they miss subtle cues and hints. They interpret your behaviour through their own filter which means they think your crying is a manipulation, they don’t understand your pain or see that it has anything to do with them, all they know is they don’t like it and you are the source of that discomfort. All they think is why are you doing this to me, they do not have the cognitive ability to ask how did I create this, they are unable to reflect on their own behaviour.

When we are in a relationship with a narcissist and we are trying to make them treat us how we would like them to we are actually being unfair, we are asking them to not be who they are, that who are they are is wrong, they are bad, they are cruel and coldhearted. But who they are is physiological, it is how they are wired and we are asking them to do the impossible.

We are understanding much more about mental health and the way our brains function and are moving away from the preconception that people have a choice in these matters.

If you have a relationship in whatever way with a narcissist it would be helpful to remember that they process the world around them very differently from you. It is incredibly hurtful when someone does something to you that you would never do to them, you cannot understand why they would do this to you knowing the pain that it would cause but if you stop right there and realise that you are interpreting their actions from your own perspective and that is not their process you can take the personal out of it and adopt a new strategy a new dynamic between the two of you. 

If you choose to be in a relationship with a narcissist in the hope that one day they will love and respect you in the way you deserve then you are only creating a future of heartache, confusion and disappointment.

Being in a long-term relationship with a narcissist usually has one of two outcomes, you lose yourself and your strength in the process or you finally look in your own mirror and find your own love self-worth and strength and become your true self. A narcissist can help make or break you but all of this will pass a narcissist by as they are unable to reflect on their own lives in this way.

Narcissists will always do what is right for them and them alone as that is the only perspective they have, it isn’t personal that they don’t think about you or realise that they are hurting you it is a hardware issue. If you put unleaded fuel into a diesel engine you wouldn’t blame the engine when it breaks down.

However, that is not to say that everything they say and do is unconscious or related to their narcissist’s brain just like the average Joe they can react in nasty manipulative or aggressive ways but as a narcissist, they will fight to the bitter end so think twice about getting into a dispute with them.

To have a successful relationship with a narcissist you have to think about what you want from that relationship and whether or not they are hardwired to give that to you and then try and understand what they need from a relationship and whether that is something you can give.

Narcissists have an inflated sense of self-worth and as such see themselves as the hero of their story and as everyone knows every hero needs a victim and a villain it is up to you whether you cast yourself in either of those roles.