Memories of my childhood.
My childhood was very confusing, I thought I had been born into the wrong family or there had been a mix up at the hospital. These people felt alien to me and I did not understand them and I certainly didn’t want to be around them.
According to my parents this behaviour began at birth. When I was brought home from the hospital , there were few people I liked to be around (especially my parents) , everyone else if they picked me up or hugged me I would go stiff as a board and hold my breath, this continued into adult hood , once it came into my conscious awareness I was able to examine and process this, up until this point I had no idea I was doing it. Sadly the closest people in my life including my best friend at the time, they knew this and used to find it hilarious, hugging me as much as they could to see me stop breathing. My best friend even said she thought the look of panic that crossed my face when I knew she was leaving and would come in for the hug was so funny.
What I came to realise is that I have always been able to sense energy and the energy of my family was like finger nails down a black board and worse the discontinuity between what they said and what they did was like the Grand Canyon.
I was a truth detector in a family of liars, no wonder they hated and feared me, a fact my father admitted for the first time last year. I think he was rather shocked at his own admissions but it certainly put a lot in perspective.
This discontinuity confused me greatly and I had a steep learning curve where I learned that as a child you really could not question an adult on their honesty, unfortunately I had to turn these feelings inward and they resulted in a total disrespect for the adults around me, I saw them as weak and untrustworthy and some were down right rotten.
I was a great observer and listener and would eaves drop or play quietly in the corner whilst listening to the grown -ups. I needed to make sense of this world but I didn’t get it, why does everyone lie all the time.
So when I was around 8 my mother was having a coffee morning with her friends, they asked me I am looking forward to getting married and having my own family. I was shocked and appalled, heavens No I cried I will never marry, marriage is a sign of weakness where all you do is lie and cheat on each other, this after all was my experience with my mother’s circle of friends. Certainly wasn’t winning any friends there.
Words would often fail me as I didn’t know the rules of the game, was I supposed to lie? Play along with them. I tried this once, I went to primary school with a medal chest and told them we found it and made up a story about buried treasure, my teacher and class mates were fascinated and I thought ok maybe this lying isn’t so bad after all until my teacher spoke to my mother who called me a liar in front of everyone, I was mortified but it was a good lesson in trust. Firstly, people are generally untrustworthy and secondly not to compromise what I felt on the inside in an effort to fit in. It was important for me if I was to survive my childhood not to trust many people but later in life I was able to remove that limitation.
As I look back I see that I connected with few people in my childhood but those I did taught me a great deal, all but one were male and all but one have died and only one through natural causes but that is another story. My parents of course tried to put a stop to my friendships, usually by trying to dirty or sully it, however My Great Aunt was my favourite role model and there was nothing they could do about that, she was way ahead of her time, bold strong, adventurous and fearless and she had the most amazing beehive. She taught how to be proud of my strengths and not to care a jot what anyone said or thought, to laugh everything off with the wave of a hand.
As we look back on our lives we see the patterns emerging, the story beneath the story and I would like to share my story with you, we all have a story, a path to where we are and maybe this will inspire you to share yours……
Next up … the day I realised my grandfather was dead .
Lots of love and laughter Michele xxxxxx